Thank you for this chapter! This is what I needed. I love the interpretation you give to Vincent's actions and feelings. I think your V 2.0 will be our favourite V!
It'd be so nice if the real V (in the show) could tell Cat more about his feelings. We had a little bit in the ep but I'd love some more. That's what I really like when I see the chars try to express their emotions. I know all the action stuff is important but sometimes it's hard to guess what's going on in their minds. I like when they say it out loud. I guess this is why I've always preferred reading (thus my nickname) where you always know that the chars are thinking or feeling.
Conflicted again about this storyline. These are getting difficult to write. I think I want old Vincent back as desperately as Catherine and Vincent do....
I had dreams last night. At least, that’s what I thought they were, but they were so clear, so vivid, so filled with emotion they had to be more than my subconscious mind tripping through the day—they had to be real. And you were in every one, Catherine. I realize, now, they were memories . . . of us.
First there was a subway car or train. It was like I was there, living it all over again. I felt out of breath, having searched the entire city for you. When I entered that last car and saw you sitting there, I was so relieved to find you alone and safe, you can’t even know. As I write this letter, I still feel that emotion like it was yesterday. I hid my relief, though, embarrassed by the strength of my feelings. I didn’t want to overwhelm you—you had a big enough burden to bear. You wondered how I’d found you, but you had no idea how desperately I’d searched. It wasn’t like now, where I can hear your heartbeat whenever you are near. I must not have had that ability then.
I know you were upset about something—someone. I don’t remember all the details yet, but I had this odd mixture of jealousy and guilt. Someone you cared about had died and I knew it was all my fault. I didn’t want to feel that way. I hate that I may have been the reason you ran away to be alone with your thoughts. All I knew was I had to tell you how I felt, what you meant to me, and how it didn’t really matter what happened or who I was—I couldn’t live without you. For good or for bad, we were in this together.
When I pulled you to my side and you willingly leaned into me, that’s when I knew everything was going to be all right. Somehow. Someday. I no longer had to be afraid. I kissed your head and immediately felt the bone-numbing cold.
In fact, cold was all around us. And darkness. The dream/vision changed and suddenly we weren’t in a subway car at all but the middle of an empty country road. I had you in my arms. Catherine, you were so cold! But you weren’t shivering, even dressed as you were in your beautiful, but very thin dress. We shouldn’t be there, either of us. I don’t know what had occurred—hopefully those memories will come later—but as I was holding you I felt fear like I can’t recall ever feeling before. Car headlights on the foggy road were all that illuminated the night and separated us from the encroaching fog and darkness. My beautiful woman in white was in crimson, and blood—the color of the gown you wore—dripped onto the shard-covered pavement below. You were bleeding to death in my arms and I was powerless to stop it!
I wanted to run away with you but I knew, if I did, you would die right then and there. Catherine, I never want to feel like that again. Was this after your Dad’s wedding? JT told me I’d crashed it but he said it so nonchalantly I never would have guessed something so devastating happened that night. If it had, why hadn’t JT told me? I was so filled with emotion, I tried to wake myself from the dreams. The feelings were too intense. But I also wanted to stay and understand.
But the dream changed again and this time you were in another wine-colored dress—one longer and fancier—and you were vibrantly alive! Thank God. In fact, you had turned into a fairytale princess with a long, fluffy train. Your hair was up and your throat adorned with a stunning necklace. There was a small, thin scar above your right breast that I recognized as the wound you’d gotten on that cold night, but now it was faint and covered with a fine, silky powder. You wore a fragrance that intoxicated me, and your eyes, so exotic and mesmerizing, drew me like no other. Cinderella going to the ball. So beautiful. And you were mine! You belonged to me. I could feel a pull from both directions—afraid to believe it yet certain it was true. You were the flame; I, a helpless moth. I knew in that moment such a flood of relief and thankfulness to you, I just wanted to take you in my arms and tell you with my body and soul how grateful I was to have you in my life. You turned to go, but I couldn’t let you walk away without telling you that I was so in love with you. The words didn't come, not then, but the sounds of the ballroom filled with people below us slowly faded into nothingness as I put my lips on yours.
If I could have stopped time, I would have remained in that memory forever. A perfect moment in time. But then you were in my arms again, only this time as we sat together on a bench on a rooftop—your rooftop. I recognize it now, but it looked so different then—filled with tiny lights and flowers. An elegant table spread with food and wine sat nearby. I remembered our picnic, Catherine! Did we have many? I hope so. We both seemed so happy, content. I never wanted to leave. You were my anchor and my strength. I feel embarrassed, now, to have forgotten it all. How could I? I hope you understand.
Perhaps I was anxious for that moment to be real. All of those moments. I opened my eyes right then and bolted out of sleep. My initial shock and disappointment that it was all just a dream quickly faded into relief and joy. My memories of you were coming back! I welcomed the flood of emotions they brought. My contact is wrong. He thinks I’m weaker with my memories of you. I agree I can’t afford distractions, but you give me a reason to survive—to make it home alive each time. I feel stronger than ever with you by my side. Even though I am a beast just like the ones I’m hunting, I like to believe you make me different from them. I rushed to dress, eager to tell you….
Now I wish I could sleep again and dream; never wake up. As I sit alone in the houseboat, I realize some dreams are just that—dreams. You and I, and whatever memories we have of our love and hopefulness, will never be able to go back to that place before. I’ve changed—in ways you don’t even yet know—and ways you don’t ever want to know. I could see it in your face after I killed Tori’s father: Murderer. Killer. Assassin. Animal. You were shocked, confused, fearful that I’m getting worse not better, even though I know you want to believe the best. That guy—that guy I used to be is gone, Catherine. I wish you could know how thankful I am to be getting his memories back, but it’s achingly bitter. You’ve stuck with me, even through the last few weeks, through the lies and me hurting you, but how far can you go? How long will it last? How much longer can you continue to turn a blind eye to the beast I have become? Your Vincent is gone. I told Tori that I wouldn’t be okay today without your love and support, but as strong as you are (and you are incredibly strong, Catherine, not just physically but in every way), I doubt you can continue to stand by the monster I have become.
You know, when I started this letter, I was so happy and hopeful. Now I just want to die. I crossed a line. I wish I could explain. I can’t. And it happened. Two steps forward, one step back. That doesn’t sound very promising. You seem willing, but am I still worth saving? I saw the doubt on your face, the conflict. Will you truly be able to stay by my side if things get worse? I don’t honestly know, but I hope to God you can. Please, please wait.
Wait for me, Catherine….
Last Edit: Nov 12, 2013 22:31:42 GMT -5 by Windflwr
I really REALLY want Catherine to read Vincent's letters. They're very telling of his deepest darkest secrets and his feelings and emotions regarding Catherine.
One question, do you always update after the episode airs? I like how your fic is linked to what happens with V and Cat during the actual episodes
Can't wait for more!
Yes, Zena, I post after every episode. It is a behind-the-scenes glimpse into what's going on with Vincent and what he's thinking. The episodes give us such limited dialog this season. I wanted to try to figure out what he was truly feeling, and also give him more humanity than the writers were showing us...
Post by Savana_ Dying for season3! on Nov 13, 2013 15:37:02 GMT -5
That heartbeat. You called it annoying. I said distracting, but it’s more than that. It’s a connection to you that is as physical as it is emotional. I don’t walk around the streets of the city aware of everyone’s heartbeat. Only yours. I feel it pounding deep inside me—so much that sometimes I feel my own heart change its rhythm to match yours. Crazy, but real. And just as real as the memories I’m getting back.
A/N: This week has been tough - for all of us. Sorry to be so slow in posting. Been dealing with a lot of feels and a pinched nerve besides. But I still believe....
Journal, Thanksgiving Day
As I lie here watching you sleep, I think I finally understand the true meaning of thankfulness. Here we are, at Daddy Bob’s house, in an upstairs bedroom. After the long drive and initial introductions, we got some time to ourselves. And, despite everything we’ve been through, you let me love you again. After what happened at your house earlier, in your bedroom, I was not only surprised but delighted and humbled by your steadfast faith in me. I know I don’t deserve it. When you told me you couldn’t get the image of what I had done to Windsor out of your head, I felt my world cave in just a little bit more. I can’t express how much that hurt, not only that you felt that way, but that I had done such a thing. Because I want so badly to be whole for you, to be in control.
Strangely, I thought I was. Actually, I still do. What is happening to me lately feels like something different. I wish I could explain it. I can’t. All I can do is fervently pray that your faith in me, in who I was at one time, will last until we find the answer. I don’t FEEL like I’m losing my humanity. In fact, with you in my life now, I feel more alive and –human- than I can ever remember feeling. You are my humanity.
After everything I’ve done to you, you have every right to feel afraid and uneasy with me; yet just now you let me touch you, kiss you, love you . . . intimately. I’m twice your size, I have the strength of three men, and I have a dark side. And yet you trusted me with your sweet body knowing I could lose control and hurt you immeasurably. And that’s why I won’t. Your faith in me is amazing. And I am madly in love with you.
When we are together and you allow me that tiniest moment of release, of total freedom, I can hardly comprehend it. You keep your eyes on mine. And when mine go yellow, instead of turning away in fear or disgust, your pupils widen just a fraction as though you enjoy seeing and knowing what you do to me. How incredible you make me feel. And oh, I do. I do. I wish I could explain to you just how much.
You are the woman of my dreams. Literally. I know that is because you were there in the past with me, but right now is the only reality I have. And as fractured and twisted as my life has become, I feel blessed. I mean, how many people get to experience their dreams coming true? While at first you were just this blurry image, now you are flesh and blood, warm and willing, and as real as life will ever get.
I love watching you sleep. Maybe I did that before; I’m not sure. Right now you have this soft smile on your lips—a satisfied smile. It makes me hope that I caused that—that I DID satisfy you in every way, as you satisfy me—as you fill me with hope and longing for a future with you, our very own happily ever after. Weeks ago I could not have imagined this. But you’ve brought me to life. I only hope I can be enough to you . . . because you deserve so much.
I know how much you want this new father-daughter relationship to work. I want it for you, too. You deserve some happiness after everything that has happened. Perhaps that’s why I’m so nervous. I want him to accept me as good enough for his daughter. More than anything. The possibility of that is slim, I know, but so very important to me—because YOU are important to me, Catherine. I’m going to do my best. I just pray it is enough.
Later in the day—
As I write this now, I know that ‘happily ever after’ is just a dream. It isn’t going to happen for us. You’ll never read this letter because it’s better if things end here. I lost control again and this time it can’t be fixed or covered up. I can’t explain why I attacked your father or what affect Tori has on me. I’m as confused as I’m sure you feel. Bewildered. Heartbroken. Sick to death at what I’ve done. When you said, ‘maybe you belong together,’ meaning Tori and I, the bottom fell out of my world.
You can’t keep making excuses for me; I know that. There is no excuse. Your father’s words just confirmed what I always suspected but didn’t want to face – that I will NEVER be good enough for you. I’m not fine. I’m not all right. And if we truly love someone, we sacrifice our needs for theirs. And oh, how I love you, Catherine. So I need to walk away. Those words sound familiar to me—have I said them before? Have I tried to do it in the past and failed? Because I can only wonder why I didn’t do it sooner.
I can only tell you I’ll carry the memory of being with you wherever I go. How you remember me, though, I hope, will be very different. I want you to hate me. Despise me. Loathe the idea of ever seeing me again. And live your life. Please do this for me because the thought of you crying over me, over what we’ve lost, would literally kill me. If it comes to that, I will push you away. I’ll make you abhor me. I’ll do what I have to do to set you free. Maybe in some alternate universe we will find each other again and it will be different. That will be my new dream....
Last Edit: Nov 21, 2013 16:29:47 GMT -5 by Windflwr
Windflwr, where are you? Haven't seen you posting for days. Are you on strike, too? Ok I understand if the last ep was too much for you to turn into a story. Do you think we can expect one this week?
LOL, Bookworm, I wasn't quick enough! Yeah, I feel for both sides in this issue and have been trying to figure out where I'm at. I miss VinCat with my whole heart. I'm choosing to believe that we'll get them back, but this journey has been hard. I hope what I write is helpful. Right now I feel such tragedy....
alwayscrazedbatbfan: Food for Beastie Thought and Consumption---At what moment did you KNOW that VINCAT were meant to be? Was it a particular line or scene? Did they fall for one another at the same time? WAS it fate or choice?
Jan 19, 2017 17:33:28 GMT -5
BeastieBoy: As soon as Cat said "You're him" in the Pilot.
Jan 22, 2017 2:38:47 GMT -5
alwayscrazedbatbfan: Oh, but that MOMENT on Vincent's bed when he tends to her wounds. And then when he tells his story, and she touches his face JUST so sad and feeling his pain. The Pilot was just MADE for those special VinCat Moments!
Jan 25, 2017 19:19:46 GMT -5
alwayscrazedbatbfan: FELLOW BEASTIES, check SERIES REWATCH thread to confirm date and time to start the BATB REWATCH with the beloved "Pilot" episode!!! Whohoo! Sharing romantic VinCat journey with fellow Beasties again!! COME WATCH WITH US!!
Jan 26, 2017 10:10:10 GMT -5
DayaBEASTS4: Catherine Chandler Happy New year dear! many blessing and happy moments to you and all forum lil late but intention is what counts
Feb 1, 2017 18:57:29 GMT -5
alwayscrazedbatbfan: I agree, Daya. It was Love at First Sight, even if neither of them realized it at the time. (And he was secretly following her and checking in on her all those years later. . . .AND saved that newspaper article that let him know who she was!
Feb 8, 2017 18:02:33 GMT -5
alwayscrazedbatbfan: Beasties, don't forget WEDNESDAY NIGHT BATB EPISODE REWATCHES!!! Experience the joy of revisiting VINCAT MOMENTS with fellow Beasties! Come watch with us!
Feb 8, 2017 19:56:55 GMT -5
alwayscrazedbatbfan: HEY DAYABEASTS4!! Was wondering where you were at! We are doing the episode rewatches under the "Series Rewatch" thread. Just so it is easy to find. However, if others want, we could open a New Thread each week under the episode title. LET ME KNOW!
Feb 22, 2017 21:05:11 GMT -5
alwayscrazedbatbfan: Would LOVE to have more Beasties involved in the rewatches. You really DO get so much more out of the episodes when knowing where the series is going to go. There is SO MUCH I MISSED in 2012 when it first came on!
Feb 22, 2017 21:06:26 GMT -5
alwayscrazedbatbfan: Hey, DVD box set of the series being released!! Anyone know what is specifically contained in the box set as far as extras???
May 3, 2017 16:44:31 GMT -5
AlisongladaboutSeason4: I'm sorry to say that the complete lack of info about the special features on the Complete Series Box set leads me to believe that there will be NO new content, just a repeat of the special features on the individual series box sets. Hope I'm wrong though!
May 25, 2017 15:09:33 GMT -5
Mei: Millions of thanks, you are fantastic !! If I have seen and read things from her, it was in case you had interviews that I had not read like Rolling Stone.Videos yes I saw hundreds, but I like to read them . Thanks, thanks!! Happy Thrusday!!! Mwahss!!
Aug 24, 2017 8:15:34 GMT -5